Thankfully, Zack knows Angeal well enough to understand the bulk of his ire really is directed at the jars. It doesn’t make this exchange any less awkward, which is why…maybe things just need to be kept brief. To a minimum.
Because of that, Zack closes the door behind him but doesn’t really make a move to come very much farther in. Angeal is occupied, and he…doesn’t want to create more of a mess than he’s already made.
So…
“…I just wanted to say, I’m sorry.”
He seems uncomfortable saying it - but not because he doesn’t mean it. Everything about this is just…hard.
“I didn’t mean for things to go off the rails like that, and I got mad instead of…actually saying the things I wanted to say.”
A pause. A breath.
“I know it probably didn’t sound like it last time, but…I am glad you’re here, and I’m…sorry. For all that.”
When Angeal moves, it's to uncap one of the jars in a pop and a faint whiff of fermentation, and pour some of the faintly orangeish tinged stuff into the mason jar. He is indeed occupied, and maybe he's best off being left to it?
But the jar is held out instead. "Tell me what you think."
Though he doesn't say which one it is, chances are astronomically high he wouldn't try to poison Zack on purpose. And indeed it just.. tastes like normal alcohol, perhaps with a fruitier edge than most meads have.
It is of course a distraction, as it means while Zack works on drink, he can work on a response. Something beyond kneejerk reaction, that might sound hollow and trite, nothing more than expected replies and nothing truly felt.
"I never really know what to say to that kind of thing." He doesn't have a kitchen to make use of, few if any inmates did, so the next mason jar he finds is just sitting on an end table. "'You're forgiven' always sounds terribly arrogant. 'You have nothing to apologize for' is ... dismissive. I never thought you were angry I was here. ...Hurt, maybe. After so many years having the reminder of it all shoved in your face couldn't be pleasant."
Like ripping open old wounds to bleed anew. "...But you're always forgiven, and you don't have anything to apologize for. I know I can be infuriating; I've made more than my share of mistakes, Gaia knows I have." The jar is rolled around in his hands, as if somewhere on its glass surface could be found all the answers he wanted.
He was thinking about bolting after saying all that, but…well, that’s as clear an invitation to stay as he’s going to get.
He moves up to take the jar, and after taking a taste, he says… “I think it’s definitely going to knock the socks off somebody.”
Tastes good, but…very strong!
As for the rest of it… He can’t help the way his insides twist listening to Angeal. Having Angeal show up again after years was… He had thought he was over it. That he had processed everything that had to do with it a while ago. And instead, he’d received the very rude awakening that, no - he just buried it. Because at the time, there wasn’t any other choice.
He doesn’t know how to convey all that without Angeal putting more blame on himself than he already is, and - he doesn’t want that. So there’s a pause as he…thinks about what to say.
“…it wasn’t just about you. The way I reacted. And that… The last thing I want is to…to say or do something that’s going to make it harder for you to leave here. I don’t…want to be a roadblock. I don’t.”
Because even after Angeal was gone, and even after what he’d done…Zack never stopped missing him.
There are downsides to ignoring a jar meant to stay sealed for twenty days, for the better part of four months. "Mm. I'll bring it to the kitchen, see what we can do with it." There's plenty of people with ridiculously high tolerances on the ship, maybe it's just something to be given to the people to whom the equivalent of a bee created wine cooler would be nothing.
It doesn't need to be said that the weight of Modeoheim still hung heavy, like the metaphorical albatross around their necks.
"I'm pretty sure I'm the only one making it harder for me to leave," he says quietly, putting the jar down finally. "There's this ... gulf of years between us I don't know how to bridge. Just yesterday you were this fresh, eager boy ready to take on the world, and suddenly you're a man grown, with so much time and so much suffering in between. I've contributed to it, even if I never wanted to hurt you."
More than he'd like to think. More than he wanted to dwell on - not just the impact immediate of his own death, but the ripple effects it had later. How much could he have prevented, or changed?
Angeal's sorry too - but apologies.. would be hollow in the face of what he'd done. There was no walking it back, not really. "But there is a point.. where if you have an abscess, no matter how much it hurts, it needs to be opened and it needs to be drained or it'll never heal. There's a lot I probably don't wanna hear, but I still probably need to. What .. had you wanted to say? What was it really about?"
Zack chews on that question for a little while. Because more than anything…he wants to be clear without somehow making any of this worse. He’s gone over things in his head multiple times since their last conversation, and it’s… He doesn’t want to explain any of it wrong.
He takes another sip of the mead (why not, he’s not getting drunk off it) and…gathers his thoughts.
“I’ve had…a lot of time. To think about how things happened. With you and Sephiroth and Genesis. And the only reason I really wanted to tell you about Nibelheim…was because I wanted you to understand the conclusion I ended up at. After thinking about it for a long time.”
He takes a breath…and goes on.
“I fought all three of you. Not because I wanted to - but because none of you gave me a choice. And that happened…because all three of you decided the same thing. That you weren’t human anymore. That you were…monsters. And as a result…you decided to die. Genesis decided to take the company with him. And Sephiroth…he decided everything needed to burn.”
All three chose the path of destruction. In differing degrees, of course, but the result was a dead end.
“I’m not saying that to say I don’t…understand why. I do. I know. It’s why even after…even after our fight, I couldn’t hold a grudge or…or hate you. For any of it.”
He saw what the degradation did to Genesis, to the copies. He knows Angeal had engineered his own way out to avoid that fate.
“We can’t take any of it back. That’s not going to happen. But the point of this place isn’t to…to take things back. It’s…it’s to figure out how to move forward. And I told Sephiroth here a long time ago that…until he was willing to choose a different way - a way that wasn’t constantly trying to threaten or inflict pain on people…nothing was going to change. This place is…designed to make certain things possible that wouldn’t be back home. So until you can…you can reckon with that idea. And find a way to reach a different conclusion about yourself…we’re going to end up where we were before. And that…”
Zack looks down and blinks. Several times.
“Now that you’re here, I don’t…I don’t want to lose you again.”
It hurt so much the first time, and he really can’t bear the idea of losing Angeal again.
Though Angeal keeps quiet, there's a flicker of something in his expression that only lasts a moment. That would be a fundamental disagreement if he spoke on it, as if it had been a decision made by themselves that any of them weren't human. That decision had been taken from them all before birth. It wasn't a matter of perception, it was a matter of fact. There's no other conclusion to be reached about what he was.
He doesn't say so. It wouldn't help. Especially not in the face of the rest.
The purpose of this place made losing him inevitable, whether he spent months or years. Sooner or later he'd graduate, or be otherwise removed from the ship, and chances were good they wouldn't wind up on the same planet afterward, in the same time.
When all was said and done, even with the best possible outcome, Angeal would inevitably hurt him again. He would leave. And this time his absence would be permanent. Had accepting the Admiral's offer been the wrong choice?
Images blur, as he studies Zack. The boy he was and the man he is overlap in distortion, the years between one and the other erased enough where for a moment he could fool himself into thinking no time had passed and it was the same stricken face that watched him on the ground, trying to muster the strength to lift the Buster Sword by its hilt one last time.
The cabin's small. Inmates don't get larger accommodations unless they're far bigger than even he is, but it doesn't take much to cross the few steps between and reach a calloused hand out for one shoulder, as careful as ever but grip warm. Consolation? Commiseration? "...I'm sorry, Zack."
What happened to Genesis, Angeal, and Sephiroth before they were even born was evil. And Zack will never be able to think that they’re somehow less human or more monstrous than the scientists who committed these crimes against them.
In the end, though, he knows he can’t do anything to convince Angeal of that. He never could. And it was the same with all three of them. It didn’t matter what he said or did, or how much he begged them…they chose their paths and wouldn’t be moved from them.
It’s why he can’t think of anything else to say. Instead, he just feels the composure he does have crumble under the light weight of the other’s hand.
Words fail. He puts the jar down, and that’s the only warning Angeal’s going to get before a teary-eyed Zack hurls himself at him. For a long-overdue hug.
Angeal does not live in a world where someone else being worse somehow makes his own actions better. It didn't even begin to absolve what they themselves had done. What he had done.
That's why he's here at all. The lifestream had been willing to take him, he'd felt no suffering, no pain, only the welcoming pull of knowing his mother and father were waiting, but there were things.. he couldn't let go of. And a part of that was definitely Zack.
Maybe one of the biggest parts. Death being irrevocable meant he couldn't do anything about it then, and he could make some measure of peace with it, especially with the fog of degradation making it seem like just the right decision.
Even without that regret he wouldn't have pushed Zack away. He catches the only marginally smaller man easily (and will never admit the half-step back is from a lack of power these days), and maybe it was a long overdue hug, because he's also not letting go any time soon. Even if his grip is tight, he doesn't have the strength thanks to the Admiral to make it painful, not to a SOLDIER.
Genesis was gone. Sephiroth was gone, the man he is now a stranger in his skin.
It's hard to describe what he feels in this moment. What it means to him to have this. To really...have Angeal back.
He knows things can't be like they were. Too much has happened, and like Angeal said before, there's a gulf of years and experiences between them. Zack is never going to be that energetic, undisciplined teenager again...and they're never going to have the same relationship they had in SOLDIER.
But that...it doesn't matter. Because Zack knows the reason why he was able to hold the line. To remain strong even when it seemed like the entire world was crumbling all around him.
It's because of this man. His mentor. His friend. His...family. And whatever sins Angeal had to his name didn't change that immutable fact.
So Zack holds him tight for as long as Angeal with allow. And even though there are tears and quiet sobs...he's relieved. He's happy. He knows they're in for a bumpy ride, of course...but just having this opportunity is more than he ever dared to hope for.
There's a part of him that still feels responsible for Zack, that he must find the cause of distress and do something about it even though the man is grown now and has been getting along just fine without him for years.
And he's the cause, this time. Zack had always bounced back quickly. A less than flawless mission, training that wasn't going as expected, trouble with one thing or another ... but those were different.
Minor. The worries of a child. He could fool himself, if he closed his eyes and disregarded where they were, think that time had somehow turned back and something not-him had gone terribly wrong. But those days were past. It takes a while before Angeal says anything, waiting until tears begin to run out, waiting until he can trust his own voice to be reasonably calm and steady.
He's grown up now; that much is true. But just because he's been living his life without Angeal for years doesn't mean he didn't miss him. Or that Zack ever stopped wishing he could talk to him just one more time - especially when things got hard.
It does feel strange being a Warden with Angeal being the Inmate, but... It feels like...they really can get through it. Maybe not for a while - but he believes it'll happen.
The tears do finally run dry, and Zack...pulls back a little. There's a sheepish expression on his face, but...he seems lighter than before.
There's meaning in one being a warden and the other an inmate, somewhere; Zack made the right decisions, when things came down to it. Angeal .. did not.
Things should have never happened this way. Zack shouldn't have been forced to do the things he'd had to do, and he knew it, no matter how sensible it had seemed at the time. Any meeting here should have been on different terms. But should have beens don't affect what actually happened, and Angeal is reluctant to let go.
He will, but it doesn't mean he wants to. "Don't worry about it, I get messier in the kitchens." A little tears and sogginess are really not a big deal versus what he's capable of coming home with after dinner rush.
"...Zack. I may regret the things I did, and I think I always will. But I want to be clear." He never quite edges into stern, it's not about that, but there's a certain firmness to his tone anyway - this is important to him. "I have never once regretted you. You were always the right choice."
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weartearrust) wrote2024-07-10 05:31 am
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Because of that, Zack closes the door behind him but doesn’t really make a move to come very much farther in. Angeal is occupied, and he…doesn’t want to create more of a mess than he’s already made.
So…
“…I just wanted to say, I’m sorry.”
He seems uncomfortable saying it - but not because he doesn’t mean it. Everything about this is just…hard.
“I didn’t mean for things to go off the rails like that, and I got mad instead of…actually saying the things I wanted to say.”
A pause. A breath.
“I know it probably didn’t sound like it last time, but…I am glad you’re here, and I’m…sorry. For all that.”
no subject
But the jar is held out instead. "Tell me what you think."
Though he doesn't say which one it is, chances are astronomically high he wouldn't try to poison Zack on purpose. And indeed it just.. tastes like normal alcohol, perhaps with a fruitier edge than most meads have.
It is of course a distraction, as it means while Zack works on drink, he can work on a response. Something beyond kneejerk reaction, that might sound hollow and trite, nothing more than expected replies and nothing truly felt.
"I never really know what to say to that kind of thing." He doesn't have a kitchen to make use of, few if any inmates did, so the next mason jar he finds is just sitting on an end table. "'You're forgiven' always sounds terribly arrogant. 'You have nothing to apologize for' is ... dismissive. I never thought you were angry I was here. ...Hurt, maybe. After so many years having the reminder of it all shoved in your face couldn't be pleasant."
Like ripping open old wounds to bleed anew. "...But you're always forgiven, and you don't have anything to apologize for. I know I can be infuriating; I've made more than my share of mistakes, Gaia knows I have." The jar is rolled around in his hands, as if somewhere on its glass surface could be found all the answers he wanted.
no subject
He moves up to take the jar, and after taking a taste, he says… “I think it’s definitely going to knock the socks off somebody.”
Tastes good, but…very strong!
As for the rest of it… He can’t help the way his insides twist listening to Angeal. Having Angeal show up again after years was… He had thought he was over it. That he had processed everything that had to do with it a while ago. And instead, he’d received the very rude awakening that, no - he just buried it. Because at the time, there wasn’t any other choice.
He doesn’t know how to convey all that without Angeal putting more blame on himself than he already is, and - he doesn’t want that. So there’s a pause as he…thinks about what to say.
“…it wasn’t just about you. The way I reacted. And that… The last thing I want is to…to say or do something that’s going to make it harder for you to leave here. I don’t…want to be a roadblock. I don’t.”
Because even after Angeal was gone, and even after what he’d done…Zack never stopped missing him.
no subject
It doesn't need to be said that the weight of Modeoheim still hung heavy, like the metaphorical albatross around their necks.
"I'm pretty sure I'm the only one making it harder for me to leave," he says quietly, putting the jar down finally. "There's this ... gulf of years between us I don't know how to bridge. Just yesterday you were this fresh, eager boy ready to take on the world, and suddenly you're a man grown, with so much time and so much suffering in between. I've contributed to it, even if I never wanted to hurt you."
More than he'd like to think. More than he wanted to dwell on - not just the impact immediate of his own death, but the ripple effects it had later. How much could he have prevented, or changed?
Angeal's sorry too - but apologies.. would be hollow in the face of what he'd done. There was no walking it back, not really. "But there is a point.. where if you have an abscess, no matter how much it hurts, it needs to be opened and it needs to be drained or it'll never heal. There's a lot I probably don't wanna hear, but I still probably need to. What .. had you wanted to say? What was it really about?"
no subject
He takes another sip of the mead (why not, he’s not getting drunk off it) and…gathers his thoughts.
“I’ve had…a lot of time. To think about how things happened. With you and Sephiroth and Genesis. And the only reason I really wanted to tell you about Nibelheim…was because I wanted you to understand the conclusion I ended up at. After thinking about it for a long time.”
He takes a breath…and goes on.
“I fought all three of you. Not because I wanted to - but because none of you gave me a choice. And that happened…because all three of you decided the same thing. That you weren’t human anymore. That you were…monsters. And as a result…you decided to die. Genesis decided to take the company with him. And Sephiroth…he decided everything needed to burn.”
All three chose the path of destruction. In differing degrees, of course, but the result was a dead end.
“I’m not saying that to say I don’t…understand why. I do. I know. It’s why even after…even after our fight, I couldn’t hold a grudge or…or hate you. For any of it.”
He saw what the degradation did to Genesis, to the copies. He knows Angeal had engineered his own way out to avoid that fate.
“We can’t take any of it back. That’s not going to happen. But the point of this place isn’t to…to take things back. It’s…it’s to figure out how to move forward. And I told Sephiroth here a long time ago that…until he was willing to choose a different way - a way that wasn’t constantly trying to threaten or inflict pain on people…nothing was going to change. This place is…designed to make certain things possible that wouldn’t be back home. So until you can…you can reckon with that idea. And find a way to reach a different conclusion about yourself…we’re going to end up where we were before. And that…”
Zack looks down and blinks. Several times.
“Now that you’re here, I don’t…I don’t want to lose you again.”
It hurt so much the first time, and he really can’t bear the idea of losing Angeal again.
no subject
He doesn't say so. It wouldn't help. Especially not in the face of the rest.
The purpose of this place made losing him inevitable, whether he spent months or years. Sooner or later he'd graduate, or be otherwise removed from the ship, and chances were good they wouldn't wind up on the same planet afterward, in the same time.
When all was said and done, even with the best possible outcome, Angeal would inevitably hurt him again. He would leave. And this time his absence would be permanent. Had accepting the Admiral's offer been the wrong choice?
Images blur, as he studies Zack. The boy he was and the man he is overlap in distortion, the years between one and the other erased enough where for a moment he could fool himself into thinking no time had passed and it was the same stricken face that watched him on the ground, trying to muster the strength to lift the Buster Sword by its hilt one last time.
The cabin's small. Inmates don't get larger accommodations unless they're far bigger than even he is, but it doesn't take much to cross the few steps between and reach a calloused hand out for one shoulder, as careful as ever but grip warm. Consolation? Commiseration? "...I'm sorry, Zack."
It's meaningless, with nothing to back it up.
no subject
In the end, though, he knows he can’t do anything to convince Angeal of that. He never could. And it was the same with all three of them. It didn’t matter what he said or did, or how much he begged them…they chose their paths and wouldn’t be moved from them.
It’s why he can’t think of anything else to say. Instead, he just feels the composure he does have crumble under the light weight of the other’s hand.
Words fail. He puts the jar down, and that’s the only warning Angeal’s going to get before a teary-eyed Zack hurls himself at him. For a long-overdue hug.
no subject
That's why he's here at all. The lifestream had been willing to take him, he'd felt no suffering, no pain, only the welcoming pull of knowing his mother and father were waiting, but there were things.. he couldn't let go of. And a part of that was definitely Zack.
Maybe one of the biggest parts. Death being irrevocable meant he couldn't do anything about it then, and he could make some measure of peace with it, especially with the fog of degradation making it seem like just the right decision.
Even without that regret he wouldn't have pushed Zack away. He catches the only marginally smaller man easily (and will never admit the half-step back is from a lack of power these days), and maybe it was a long overdue hug, because he's also not letting go any time soon. Even if his grip is tight, he doesn't have the strength thanks to the Admiral to make it painful, not to a SOLDIER.
Genesis was gone. Sephiroth was gone, the man he is now a stranger in his skin.
Zack's still here.
no subject
He knows things can't be like they were. Too much has happened, and like Angeal said before, there's a gulf of years and experiences between them. Zack is never going to be that energetic, undisciplined teenager again...and they're never going to have the same relationship they had in SOLDIER.
But that...it doesn't matter. Because Zack knows the reason why he was able to hold the line. To remain strong even when it seemed like the entire world was crumbling all around him.
It's because of this man. His mentor. His friend. His...family. And whatever sins Angeal had to his name didn't change that immutable fact.
So Zack holds him tight for as long as Angeal with allow. And even though there are tears and quiet sobs...he's relieved. He's happy. He knows they're in for a bumpy ride, of course...but just having this opportunity is more than he ever dared to hope for.
no subject
And he's the cause, this time. Zack had always bounced back quickly. A less than flawless mission, training that wasn't going as expected, trouble with one thing or another ... but those were different.
Minor. The worries of a child. He could fool himself, if he closed his eyes and disregarded where they were, think that time had somehow turned back and something not-him had gone terribly wrong. But those days were past. It takes a while before Angeal says anything, waiting until tears begin to run out, waiting until he can trust his own voice to be reasonably calm and steady.
It takes time. "Are you going to be alright?"
no subject
It does feel strange being a Warden with Angeal being the Inmate, but... It feels like...they really can get through it. Maybe not for a while - but he believes it'll happen.
The tears do finally run dry, and Zack...pulls back a little. There's a sheepish expression on his face, but...he seems lighter than before.
"Uh...yeah."
A good cry is healthy! He needed it!
"I, uh...sorry. About the mess."
He's pretty sure he got Angeal's shirt all wet.
"...thank you."
no subject
Things should have never happened this way. Zack shouldn't have been forced to do the things he'd had to do, and he knew it, no matter how sensible it had seemed at the time. Any meeting here should have been on different terms. But should have beens don't affect what actually happened, and Angeal is reluctant to let go.
He will, but it doesn't mean he wants to. "Don't worry about it, I get messier in the kitchens." A little tears and sogginess are really not a big deal versus what he's capable of coming home with after dinner rush.
"...Zack. I may regret the things I did, and I think I always will. But I want to be clear." He never quite edges into stern, it's not about that, but there's a certain firmness to his tone anyway - this is important to him. "I have never once regretted you. You were always the right choice."