There's another pause as he considers the answer; honesty never hurts with even a temporary warden but thinking about it all too long was ... upsetting. "Possibly. I was born with ... certain ... vile abilities that cause degradation, a rot in body, soul and mind if used."
And that, by tone and bearing, is very much uncomfortable to dwell on. "I've been cured of it, near as I can tell, but it's possible the process damaged my mind at the time as much as it did the others. I can't say in retrospect how many of my actions before I was killed were because of degrading or ... purely my own decisions. I've assumed til now that it was likely, and thus why I was offered this chance instead of simply forced to be here."
They recognize his discomfort, even without trying to reach into his mind to feel it in more detail. “If you would like confirmation of being cured, I can ask the Admiral or someone in the infirmary. At least one of them should have the ability to check that.
“Being here as an inmate means that your decisions have hurt others, and you can change something about yourself in order to avoid going down the same path. I think that people who would recognize that are more likely to be given a choice. The same goes for people who would desire redemption of their own accord. Understanding that you need help is a good start.”
Confirmation of being purged of the alien DNA or still stuck with it ... did he want to know? What if he wasn't as free as he hoped, and it was merely suppressed? "I'll think about it. If I'm not, I'll need to start .. setting up contingency plans."
The sort of thing a warden was for, weren't they? But maybe not, not when it's temporary. That'd be more of a burden than someone deserved.
He definitely hurt others, and for a moment there's a mix of pain and guilt on his face before it's buried beneath schooled neutrality save the pinch of furrowed brows. "I know what needs to change to make certain it never happens again," he says slowly, unsure that's something he really should be venturing at all, "But it's not something I have a say in."
If he wants help with this, getting confirmation is the best starting point that they can think of. “The Admiral may be able to help you with contingency plans as well.” They could be promising too much, but they doubt the Admiral would be unable to do anything about it. And if he is unwilling to help, then that also gives them information. Even if this is only temporary, their job is to watch Angeal and help in any way they can.
They notice the shifts in his expression, their own remaining neutral. “What needs to change, and why do you not have a say in whether or not it does?” They believe that he believes he has no say in it, but if he knows what needs to change then he would not be here unless he could do something about it.
"Is that something inmates are offered? Is it not part of the burdens we're expected to bear for our crimes?" He genuinely isn't sure how any of this is meant to work, but it made sense to him. He caused his own problems, he should be expected to fix them himself.
Avalon's job is to help, and Angeal's not making it easier. He should probably stop dancing around it at some point. "Biology." It wasn't something he could change. "The Admiral's able to alter it here, obviously, which I am grateful for, but if it can be permanently removed then ... well, I might be living a lie but at least it's a safe one."
“Whether the Admiral would be willing to help seems to depend on your situation. Something like permanently altering your DNA would require a deal.” Avalon reaches into their pocket, pulling out their orb. As they touch it, its surface shifts to a deep pine green, swirls of black twisting deeper inside it. “Something like this could be done with a request.
“I lack the ability to feel emotions the way humans do, and I spent most of my life thinking that I had no feelings at all. The physical and mental pieces of them are separate for me, like my mind and my body are disconnected. The reason I have the orb is because I asked my Warden if the Admiral could give me typical human emotions, and it was not something he could do. I may be able to use my deal to get emotions, but I could not simply request them.”
They put the orb away. “Whatever change you need to make to graduate will be more than altering your biology. I needed to learn why I had hurt others and how to make different choices. Developing the ability to recognize the emotions that I had helped me do that, but I still needed to make changes on my own. If you need an aid, that can be requested, but permanently altering your DNA would require a deal and learning how to avoid causing harm in the future is something that you need to do.”
A deal is out of the question, and thus put aside as a near impossibility, and is waved off briefly with a small negating gesture. Whether or not it was potentially possible, it's out of reach and not to be dwelt on for now. Better to focus on what he can do.
The ball makes a return, and when it's explained, the burly SOLDIER's brow furrows, perplexed. He's not stupid by any means, but this sort of thing isn't in his realm of experience. "...So what does it do, exactly? Does it let you feel things?"
He's still thinking of the ball when he considers the rest. "If it's not something I can hope for for now, then I'll worry about it later. So long as powers and abilities remain locked away, both I and everyone else are perfectly safe." Which is ... all he really needs.
Talking about the deals has Avalon considering their own for a moment, but the thought gets pushed aside quickly. They have a general idea of what they want to ask for, and the details can wait.
“I have some emotions, but the pieces of them tend to happen separately. If I were to feel happiness, I might feel it mentally one time, but my body would feel neutral. The next time I felt it, I might feel nothing mentally, but my body would be activated.” Activation was what one of the library books had called it — intense or detached physical activation, and positive or negative emotional valence. “The orb changes color based on the emotions that match the components I might be feeling.
“Your permanent warden will know more about your situation and will be better equipped to ask for an aid if you need one. They can help you manage your abilities when you get them back.”
Angeal gives a brief laugh, though it sounds a touch self-reproachful. "I can't begin to guess what that's like." All he can do is GUESS. Would it be like having a jolt of adrenaline without knowing why? Did happiness have a physical feeling? Fear did. Anger did. "It sounds hard."
He'd have to try to remember to focus on it when he next felt it, if he ever deserved it.
A permanent warden might be a ways away, he'd have to find out how they were picked so he'd have time to figure out what to address and what not to. "I'd rather not get them back if it's all the same." He's fine the way he is now. "..As a temporary warden, are you able to make any requests in my stead at all? I've a minor one I wouldn't mind having but it can wait."
“It might be like feeling physically hungry, but not wanting food, or vice versa.” Shaw had described her emotions as being like hunger. “It became much easier once I understood it and knew to look for pieces rather than a whole.”
Rawne had been able to restrict their abilities before they were permanently paired, so, “I can make requests for you, but there are limits. I could be able to get you something from your world, depending on what it is. I would not be able to restore your abilities.”
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-07-25 07:42 pm (UTC)And that, by tone and bearing, is very much uncomfortable to dwell on. "I've been cured of it, near as I can tell, but it's possible the process damaged my mind at the time as much as it did the others. I can't say in retrospect how many of my actions before I was killed were because of degrading or ... purely my own decisions. I've assumed til now that it was likely, and thus why I was offered this chance instead of simply forced to be here."
no subject
Date: 2024-07-27 07:02 am (UTC)They recognize his discomfort, even without trying to reach into his mind to feel it in more detail. “If you would like confirmation of being cured, I can ask the Admiral or someone in the infirmary. At least one of them should have the ability to check that.
“Being here as an inmate means that your decisions have hurt others, and you can change something about yourself in order to avoid going down the same path. I think that people who would recognize that are more likely to be given a choice. The same goes for people who would desire redemption of their own accord. Understanding that you need help is a good start.”
no subject
Date: 2024-08-02 07:42 pm (UTC)The sort of thing a warden was for, weren't they? But maybe not, not when it's temporary. That'd be more of a burden than someone deserved.
He definitely hurt others, and for a moment there's a mix of pain and guilt on his face before it's buried beneath schooled neutrality save the pinch of furrowed brows. "I know what needs to change to make certain it never happens again," he says slowly, unsure that's something he really should be venturing at all, "But it's not something I have a say in."
no subject
Date: 2024-08-04 09:44 pm (UTC)If he wants help with this, getting confirmation is the best starting point that they can think of. “The Admiral may be able to help you with contingency plans as well.” They could be promising too much, but they doubt the Admiral would be unable to do anything about it. And if he is unwilling to help, then that also gives them information. Even if this is only temporary, their job is to watch Angeal and help in any way they can.
They notice the shifts in his expression, their own remaining neutral. “What needs to change, and why do you not have a say in whether or not it does?” They believe that he believes he has no say in it, but if he knows what needs to change then he would not be here unless he could do something about it.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-05 11:49 pm (UTC)Avalon's job is to help, and Angeal's not making it easier. He should probably stop dancing around it at some point. "Biology." It wasn't something he could change. "The Admiral's able to alter it here, obviously, which I am grateful for, but if it can be permanently removed then ... well, I might be living a lie but at least it's a safe one."
no subject
Date: 2024-08-06 12:20 am (UTC)“Whether the Admiral would be willing to help seems to depend on your situation. Something like permanently altering your DNA would require a deal.” Avalon reaches into their pocket, pulling out their orb. As they touch it, its surface shifts to a deep pine green, swirls of black twisting deeper inside it. “Something like this could be done with a request.
“I lack the ability to feel emotions the way humans do, and I spent most of my life thinking that I had no feelings at all. The physical and mental pieces of them are separate for me, like my mind and my body are disconnected. The reason I have the orb is because I asked my Warden if the Admiral could give me typical human emotions, and it was not something he could do. I may be able to use my deal to get emotions, but I could not simply request them.”
They put the orb away. “Whatever change you need to make to graduate will be more than altering your biology. I needed to learn why I had hurt others and how to make different choices. Developing the ability to recognize the emotions that I had helped me do that, but I still needed to make changes on my own. If you need an aid, that can be requested, but permanently altering your DNA would require a deal and learning how to avoid causing harm in the future is something that you need to do.”
no subject
Date: 2024-08-09 05:55 pm (UTC)The ball makes a return, and when it's explained, the burly SOLDIER's brow furrows, perplexed. He's not stupid by any means, but this sort of thing isn't in his realm of experience. "...So what does it do, exactly? Does it let you feel things?"
He's still thinking of the ball when he considers the rest. "If it's not something I can hope for for now, then I'll worry about it later. So long as powers and abilities remain locked away, both I and everyone else are perfectly safe." Which is ... all he really needs.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-09 10:44 pm (UTC)Talking about the deals has Avalon considering their own for a moment, but the thought gets pushed aside quickly. They have a general idea of what they want to ask for, and the details can wait.
“I have some emotions, but the pieces of them tend to happen separately. If I were to feel happiness, I might feel it mentally one time, but my body would feel neutral. The next time I felt it, I might feel nothing mentally, but my body would be activated.” Activation was what one of the library books had called it — intense or detached physical activation, and positive or negative emotional valence. “The orb changes color based on the emotions that match the components I might be feeling.
“Your permanent warden will know more about your situation and will be better equipped to ask for an aid if you need one. They can help you manage your abilities when you get them back.”
no subject
Date: 2024-08-11 06:41 pm (UTC)He'd have to try to remember to focus on it when he next felt it, if he ever deserved it.
A permanent warden might be a ways away, he'd have to find out how they were picked so he'd have time to figure out what to address and what not to. "I'd rather not get them back if it's all the same." He's fine the way he is now. "..As a temporary warden, are you able to make any requests in my stead at all? I've a minor one I wouldn't mind having but it can wait."
no subject
Date: 2024-08-12 01:11 am (UTC)“It might be like feeling physically hungry, but not wanting food, or vice versa.” Shaw had described her emotions as being like hunger. “It became much easier once I understood it and knew to look for pieces rather than a whole.”
Rawne had been able to restrict their abilities before they were permanently paired, so, “I can make requests for you, but there are limits. I could be able to get you something from your world, depending on what it is. I would not be able to restore your abilities.”