Mom.. wasn't really that long ago to me. Never really had time to come to terms with it.
[And while it obscures part of the reason of his unhappiness, that too is true. Losing a parent is hard to most people but the Hewleys had always been a small, tight knit family.]
There's a lot of things to regret. Don't think I can make any of it right anymore, most of the people are apparently long dead.
[But not all. Zack's here, but Zack is more willing to deal with him than he is Zack, that's just too much guilt.]
[Shaw says this around a piece of pepperoni, but then stops, realizing that she probably shouldn't try to discuss Angeal's woes with her mouth full of deli meat. She finishes chewing, swallows, and then continues like a normal person.]
Yeah, you can't make stuff right with dead people, and that sucks. But here's a thing I noticed about what you just said: you can't make any of it right, because most of the people involved are dead. That sound rightheaded to you?
If you have ideas for how to make it right, really right and not just lip service, please tell me how I make up for my best friend's mental degradation and forcing my protégé to kill me?
[There should be bitter sarcasm or anger or something there, but there isn't.]
I can apologize, and Zack would likely accept it, but that wouldn't make it real.
Words are just words, saying it doesn't make it real.
[Even this, as uncomfortable as it is, is a convenient diversion, though he doesn't know it. This is, surely, the problem.]
Zack .. no. Not in so many words. He's been through enough, I don't want him feeling responsible for me too, and ... Sephiroth doesn't remember who I am.
[There's a bitter finality to that last, in voice and bearing. He can't make things right with someone who didn't even know who he was, never mind what he did.]
[She mutters it under her breath, mostly to herself; she can't exactly tell him to break the news to Sephiroth without potentially causing fallout there, which means she needs to talk to Yunlan. Warden-warden politics: her least favorite thing.
Oh, well. At least Yunlan's not annoying.]
Saying it doesn't make what real? Lay it out - what specific thing do you think talking about it should do, but that you know that it won't?
If I pick up a knife and stab you and then immediately apologize, it's not going to do much good is it? It's just words. If I meant it I wouldn't have stabbed you to begin with.
[Angeal, at least, doesn't seem to be the sort of inmate who feels the need to demonstrate this.]
Got it. Okay. Yeah, this is too big and complicated for apologies.
[She leans back in her chair, a thoughtful frown creasing her face a she crosses her arms over her abdomen.]
Tell you what. How about we leave the Sephiroth issue alone for now - though I'm gonna want to talk to his warden about it, and I want you to come along for at least one of those talks. But you should talk to Zack about it. Not an apology, a talk.
[He'd do it again. That sticks in an uncomfortable way; if push came to shove and things unfolded the same way again, he'd once more make sure he's removed from the equation.
Any apology would be hollow and he knows it.]
I hear Sephiroth's a project a few years in the making. It may be cruel for him to ever remember, and I don't know if the Admiral is merciful enough to spare him that.
[Not even from Angeal's own actions, though remembering your friends abandoned you would be difficult.]
... But maybe I can .. offer something that'll help his warden. I don't know what, but it's worth a try.
[Not for his own sake. He can acquiesce to that. Something that might actually help his lost friend could only be to the good, couldn't it?
Zack is harder, somehow. Zack remembered.]
It's been years for him, Shaw. If 'redemption' such as it is comes with the price of tearing open old wounds just to try to make myself feel better, then I'm not sure I'm interested. He deserves whatever peace he's found.
Shouldn't he have the right to make that choice for himself?
[She pauses, letting that question hang for a moment before continuing.]
I'm not saying force the issue. If you approach him and he completely shuts you down, then sure, back off; we'll handle this another way. But if you haven't talked to him about this at all, then you don't have a clue whether you'd be tearing open old wounds and ruining his peace, or giving him closure and helping him find it.
[Another pause.]
This isn't about making you feel better. I mean, I don't get off on making you feel like crap; I'm not going for emotional torture. But I'm here to help you earn a second chance at life, not help you be comfortable - so if you're seriously worried I'm hoping for a feel-good approach that's supposed to make you feel all warm and fuzzy, then you don't have to worry about that.
[Something in Angeal's expression strongly suggests that the answer to that is 'absolutely not', but he doesn't actually answer that dangling question. Some things don't need answers.
By now it's certain half the Barge is aware of exactly what kind of lengths Zack Fair will go to if he thinks something can be accomplished that's good, even if it's detrimental to himself.]
I'll think about it. With the ruckus lately timing's going to be difficult, and it seems for every nice quiet stop we get on this ship the next one's miserable.
[She says it without hesitation. There is a but coming, though.]
Power struggles are pointless; I'm not gonna try to grab you by the ear and march you down to Zack's cabin. I'm gonna keep bugging you about it until you either find a good time for it or get sick of me asking about it, though.
[Angeal's pause is one of the mildest of bafflement that turns by bits into something almost amusement. The subject matter is a little too sore to be real humor.]
I'd like to see you try.
[It's not a threat, or bravado, or aggression, he probably means it; he's fought against and alongside all kinds of people, but his opportunities to tangle with people a fraction his size and weight were rare.]
But I'll get it done, when I know things aren't going to be another round of clawing through dark bloodsoaked foggy hallways or something soon.
[Eventually. If he says he will he will, but that doesn't mean he won't delay as long as he can.]
[Thing to put off as long as humanly possible: that.
But he'll agree to it anyway, he does at least know it needs to be addressed. That will be a problem for Future Angeal, Now Angeal has other concerns, like not addressing the vast bulk of things the dossier outlined in favor of things he did know how to contend with.]
If you ask, the Admiral can remove the rest of my enhancements, right? My durability and stamina are still at SOLDIER levels, it won't be an even playing field if left that way.
[He's more than happy to spar! But when he can keep fighting for a few days straight without rest if necessary, it wouldn't exactly be fair as things are. Getting nerfed isn't even remotely a problem at least.]
Fair enough. I'll be transferring out of Custodial soon, so I'll have a lot more free time than I'm used to even pulling kitchen duty. Pick a time, we'll have some fun.
[That could be an innuendo if it were anyone else, but he seems to still very much be on topic.]
No. I'm hoping for Archer, we get along pretty well, but I'm not even sure what shift I'll be. Is Trevor difficult to work for?
[Hey he'll take what information he can get, he'd met the man exactly once right before the Narrenchiff debacle, and it didn't give him a good idea how that'd go.]
[Shaw makes a noncommittal sound in the back of her throat, shaking her head slightly.]
He's an idiot, and he takes pride in doing as little wardening as possible - I don't know if that extends to the kitchens. He's... okay to get along with on an interpersonal level.
Why does the Admiral keep him onboard if he's not doing his job? I don't need a lot of guidance in the kitchen at least, just give me a list of what needs to be made and I'm usually good to go.
In the end I guess it's not my job to second-guess the Admiral. If he's here he's accomplishing something.
[..Right? Right? That's how this works, it's all purposeful even if he doesn't see the bigger picture..!]
I ran into him for a bit when we were on the cruise ship. Went swimming. He seemed alright, but I hadn't really approached it from a worker and boss kind of position. Guess I'll see how things go.
[Shaw snorts lightly at the word boss - she's certain that Trevor doesn't see himself that way - but otherwise she reigns in the snark. She doesn't despise Trevor or anything - she's not bullshitting about them getting alone fine on an interpersonal level. But professionally, they're complete opposites, and she always has to rag on him at least a little.]
One last thing. I'm, uh-- not great at talking about myself, and I'm a pretty simple person. But if there's anything you wanna know about me that you don't already, you can ask, and I'll probably answer. I also want to be up front about the fact that I have a personality disorder, and I don't do emotion well.
[His eyebrows rise slightly. She seemed perfectly normal to him and not disordered in any way; was that a reflection on his idea of normal, or..]
You seem alright at it to me. You'd fit right in back home.
[She's more emotive than some!]
Maybe different worlds have different ideas of what's typical. I'm curious, about your line of work and what your world's like, the usuals, but I don't mind waiting. Or not finding out. Mysteries make the world go 'round.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-12-05 08:16 pm (UTC)[And while it obscures part of the reason of his unhappiness, that too is true. Losing a parent is hard to most people but the Hewleys had always been a small, tight knit family.]
There's a lot of things to regret. Don't think I can make any of it right anymore, most of the people are apparently long dead.
[But not all. Zack's here, but Zack is more willing to deal with him than he is Zack, that's just too much guilt.]
no subject
Date: 2024-12-05 10:08 pm (UTC)[Shaw says this around a piece of pepperoni, but then stops, realizing that she probably shouldn't try to discuss Angeal's woes with her mouth full of deli meat. She finishes chewing, swallows, and then continues like a normal person.]
Yeah, you can't make stuff right with dead people, and that sucks. But here's a thing I noticed about what you just said: you can't make any of it right, because most of the people involved are dead. That sound rightheaded to you?
no subject
Date: 2024-12-05 11:26 pm (UTC)If you have ideas for how to make it right, really right and not just lip service, please tell me how I make up for my best friend's mental degradation and forcing my protégé to kill me?
[There should be bitter sarcasm or anger or something there, but there isn't.]
I can apologize, and Zack would likely accept it, but that wouldn't make it real.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-06 04:10 pm (UTC)[She wraps a piece of cheese in a pepperoni slice, downing it before continuing.]
What counts as "real" here, and how much have you, Zack, and Sephiroth talked about this? Either together or separately.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-06 07:51 pm (UTC)[Even this, as uncomfortable as it is, is a convenient diversion, though he doesn't know it. This is, surely, the problem.]
Zack .. no. Not in so many words. He's been through enough, I don't want him feeling responsible for me too, and ... Sephiroth doesn't remember who I am.
[There's a bitter finality to that last, in voice and bearing. He can't make things right with someone who didn't even know who he was, never mind what he did.]
no subject
Date: 2024-12-06 08:05 pm (UTC)[She mutters it under her breath, mostly to herself; she can't exactly tell him to break the news to Sephiroth without potentially causing fallout there, which means she needs to talk to Yunlan. Warden-warden politics: her least favorite thing.
Oh, well. At least Yunlan's not annoying.]
Saying it doesn't make what real? Lay it out - what specific thing do you think talking about it should do, but that you know that it won't?
no subject
Date: 2024-12-07 02:08 pm (UTC)If I pick up a knife and stab you and then immediately apologize, it's not going to do much good is it? It's just words. If I meant it I wouldn't have stabbed you to begin with.
[Angeal, at least, doesn't seem to be the sort of inmate who feels the need to demonstrate this.]
no subject
Date: 2024-12-07 03:38 pm (UTC)[She leans back in her chair, a thoughtful frown creasing her face a she crosses her arms over her abdomen.]
Tell you what. How about we leave the Sephiroth issue alone for now - though I'm gonna want to talk to his warden about it, and I want you to come along for at least one of those talks. But you should talk to Zack about it. Not an apology, a talk.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-07 04:37 pm (UTC)Any apology would be hollow and he knows it.]
I hear Sephiroth's a project a few years in the making. It may be cruel for him to ever remember, and I don't know if the Admiral is merciful enough to spare him that.
[Not even from Angeal's own actions, though remembering your friends abandoned you would be difficult.]
... But maybe I can .. offer something that'll help his warden. I don't know what, but it's worth a try.
[Not for his own sake. He can acquiesce to that. Something that might actually help his lost friend could only be to the good, couldn't it?
Zack is harder, somehow. Zack remembered.]
It's been years for him, Shaw. If 'redemption' such as it is comes with the price of tearing open old wounds just to try to make myself feel better, then I'm not sure I'm interested. He deserves whatever peace he's found.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-07 04:48 pm (UTC)[She pauses, letting that question hang for a moment before continuing.]
I'm not saying force the issue. If you approach him and he completely shuts you down, then sure, back off; we'll handle this another way. But if you haven't talked to him about this at all, then you don't have a clue whether you'd be tearing open old wounds and ruining his peace, or giving him closure and helping him find it.
[Another pause.]
This isn't about making you feel better. I mean, I don't get off on making you feel like crap; I'm not going for emotional torture. But I'm here to help you earn a second chance at life, not help you be comfortable - so if you're seriously worried I'm hoping for a feel-good approach that's supposed to make you feel all warm and fuzzy, then you don't have to worry about that.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-07 06:26 pm (UTC)By now it's certain half the Barge is aware of exactly what kind of lengths Zack Fair will go to if he thinks something can be accomplished that's good, even if it's detrimental to himself.]
I'll think about it. With the ruckus lately timing's going to be difficult, and it seems for every nice quiet stop we get on this ship the next one's miserable.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-07 08:05 pm (UTC)[She says it without hesitation. There is a but coming, though.]
Power struggles are pointless; I'm not gonna try to grab you by the ear and march you down to Zack's cabin. I'm gonna keep bugging you about it until you either find a good time for it or get sick of me asking about it, though.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-07 09:05 pm (UTC)I'd like to see you try.
[It's not a threat, or bravado, or aggression, he probably means it; he's fought against and alongside all kinds of people, but his opportunities to tangle with people a fraction his size and weight were rare.]
But I'll get it done, when I know things aren't going to be another round of clawing through dark bloodsoaked foggy hallways or something soon.
[Eventually. If he says he will he will, but that doesn't mean he won't delay as long as he can.]
no subject
Date: 2024-12-08 03:58 am (UTC)[Because god knows she's going to keep reminding him about it until he does. Then she adds, also with no aggression or bravado--]
We should spar sometime.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-13 04:24 pm (UTC)But he'll agree to it anyway, he does at least know it needs to be addressed. That will be a problem for Future Angeal, Now Angeal has other concerns, like not addressing the vast bulk of things the dossier outlined in favor of things he did know how to contend with.]
If you ask, the Admiral can remove the rest of my enhancements, right? My durability and stamina are still at SOLDIER levels, it won't be an even playing field if left that way.
[He's more than happy to spar! But when he can keep fighting for a few days straight without rest if necessary, it wouldn't exactly be fair as things are. Getting nerfed isn't even remotely a problem at least.]
no subject
Date: 2024-12-14 04:02 am (UTC)Please, I like a challenge. Knock me on my back first, and then we'll see if we want to even up the playing field. Deal?
no subject
Date: 2024-12-14 11:13 pm (UTC)[That could be an innuendo if it were anyone else, but he seems to still very much be on topic.]
no subject
Date: 2024-12-21 03:02 pm (UTC)You know who your supervisor's going to be yet? Better hope you don't get Belmont, that pain in the ass.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-22 12:47 am (UTC)[Hey he'll take what information he can get, he'd met the man exactly once right before the Narrenchiff debacle, and it didn't give him a good idea how that'd go.]
no subject
Date: 2024-12-22 04:08 pm (UTC)He's an idiot, and he takes pride in doing as little wardening as possible - I don't know if that extends to the kitchens. He's... okay to get along with on an interpersonal level.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-22 04:16 pm (UTC)[Wardens not doing their jobs.]
Why does the Admiral keep him onboard if he's not doing his job? I don't need a lot of guidance in the kitchen at least, just give me a list of what needs to be made and I'm usually good to go.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-22 04:26 pm (UTC)[But then, so many of the Admiral's decisions don't make a lick of sense to her.]
He's not gonna give you crap or treat you badly, whether you end up with him as your supervisor or not.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-22 04:29 pm (UTC)[..Right? Right? That's how this works, it's all purposeful even if he doesn't see the bigger picture..!]
I ran into him for a bit when we were on the cruise ship. Went swimming. He seemed alright, but I hadn't really approached it from a worker and boss kind of position. Guess I'll see how things go.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-26 07:59 pm (UTC)One last thing. I'm, uh-- not great at talking about myself, and I'm a pretty simple person. But if there's anything you wanna know about me that you don't already, you can ask, and I'll probably answer. I also want to be up front about the fact that I have a personality disorder, and I don't do emotion well.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-29 01:08 am (UTC)You seem alright at it to me. You'd fit right in back home.
[She's more emotive than some!]
Maybe different worlds have different ideas of what's typical. I'm curious, about your line of work and what your world's like, the usuals, but I don't mind waiting. Or not finding out. Mysteries make the world go 'round.
(no subject)
From: